I opened up my laptop this morning, with the thought "I think I'm finally ready", which has been an long and ridiculously tiring process to get to this point. - I have been fighting my mental illness for what feels like a really long time, but to be honest when you look at how long it has been; it has been a long time; One year and five months. One year and five months of feeling like something is pushing me into a dark hole and not letting me escape. One year and five months of feeling like I'm worth nothing; feeling like I'm not good enough; feeling like I can't go on and feeling like I can't do anything, or be anything. One year and five months, my mental illness battled me on a daily basis and on more than one occasion, I thought it had nearly defeated me. - But it didn't. I didn't let it defeat me.
Back in June 2018 I asked for help, I begged for someone to try and help me get past the place I was living in and to stop my mind from controlling me. But November 2018 soon came along and I was in my deepest and darkest place and the worry filled everyone. The worry of my mental illness defeating me at last. On the 22nd November 2018, I finally started to receive help. I admitted I couldn't go on like this alone and I met my therapist, while also being prescribed anti-depressants (again), which soon shot up in mg within 3 months. On the 22nd November, I met someone who was willing to hear and feel my pain; to find a way to pull me out of the dark hole I'd been living in for 11 months.
I was brought into a new work place two days previously, a place which filled me with anxiety because I didn't want to go back to the place where I felt like the walls were caving in on me. While I had a rocky start, trying to fit into a new environment, being the "new person", and fighting to show what I am capable of (and to this day, still trying to do so). In this anxiety and worry, I found a place which accepted my mental illness and a place which was willing to support me through any pain and worry I felt. Not long after working in this new environment, people started to see what I could do, the different I could make and was making each day. It's taken me 6 months, but I can truly say I no longer can about what others think about me and whether they accept me or not; because I'm doing this for myself, and for the lives I was changing each day.
I'm not sure what happened and I'll still continue to question how it happened, but during the Easter period; a switch flicked. My mind changed and whatever it was that was triggering the pain, anxiety and negative thoughts; was no longer impacting me in such a way that I couldn't manage the pain. I started to realise that every part of each day needs perspective - every situation needs to be looked at in more than one way to see how the situation can be dealt with, or to see how the situation is impacting someone or something. I realised I may not have the power to change a situation, but I have the power to decide how I view it. I stopped questioning "why me", every time something challenged me, and instead stated "try me" or "lets do this", because I wasn't afraid anymore. I've learnt that two people can look at the same thing and see something completely different, and I've learnt that it's okay to see life from a different perspective.
A statement which truly shows the difference in perspectives is
"You can lie down for people to walk over you, and they will still complain you're not flat enough."
And when I look at how far I have come, the pain I have been through and the battle I have fought to win, I realise if you change how you see and you begin to see how you change.
I fell apart, more than once. I was at breaking point four times, where people were worried about my safety. I battled with my own mind and people's shitty perspectives and opinions for one year and five months. But, through it all; I survived.
Kimberley Jessica
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