It's been just under a month since I last posted and a lot has happened in the past month; even though looking back at it, it doesn't look like a lot. Mentally, it has been. So much can change, and in such a short space of time. Sometimes it's beyond our power to stop things from changing, but then there's every tiny aspect of our life that we have the power to change; and when you sit back and look at it; that's a lot of time, and a lot of things that can make a huge impact. However, one thing I realised is you can't change the beginning; the start of it all, even if it's had a shitty outcome and made you feel things you never wanted to feel.
In six days it has been the eighth year since I attempted suicide. And in five days, it has been a year since I referred myself for therapy. This time round I chose to change the ending, to seek help because I was frightened of where I would end up again and I didn't want to go back to where I was eight years ago. In just one day, I am being discharged from therapy and every nerve, bone or muscle in my body can say I am ready to be discharged and I am ready to move in into the next chapter of my life without fearing of where I'll end up.
Yet it feels me with so many different emotions to say out loud; I wasn't sure what was going to happen exactly two months ago. I was at breaking point, on the verge of saying "I've finally had enough", but instead I looked in the other direction and I found the strength inside of me to pull myself out of it. I found the self belief that was screaming to get out and I changed my ending and I'm proud of where I've come.
I may have scars and they may be visible but they remind me of the pain I went through and the strength and belief I have inside of me to pull through the hardest challenge anyone could possibly face on a daily basis. I'm not ashamed of my mental health and I'm most definitely not ashamed to talk about it.
Tomorrow will be the 193rd day since starting my intensive therapy and it will be the day I say goodbye to my therapist. He's helped me to find things out about myself that I could never face or admit to. He's helped me to reach a point of my life where I can face any negative situation and handle it in the correct way. I'm at a point in my life where I can say I can face life on my own, through the good and the bad and be able to conquer absolutely everything I have ever feared. I can believe in anything and achieve it, and even a few months ago; I had no belief in myself or what I am capable of.
You can change your mindset; your outlook on life and you can change the way you behave towards any situation and the only way of succeeding is to start before you are ready. Even when you feel like you can't go on and when you feel like you're not ready, physically or mentally; that's the most crucial point to start. Start everything. Start talking, start doing things, start facing your fears and start doing the things you love to do. You can do this, and you can do anything you put your belief into.
I'll see you soon
Kimberley Jessica
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