Something told me recently to go back to my blog, to renew my domain and to start writing again. I don't know if it was the little voice inside of me telling me "you're ready girl, go and get it", or what.. but within a couple of days of thinking about my blog back and forth, here I am writing a post after many, many months and many years since I last consistently posted. So where have I been?

The past year has been a mixture of highs and lows and a heck load of blurriness in between. Some things have happened and people remind me of things I've done or things I've said, or even friendships I've lost and I sit here and think 'I literally do not remember that'. I'd say since January 2018, right after I finished Blogmas, I went back to work and I pretty much hit a brick wall, face on and there was no going back. Six months later I drove home from my job, never went back and self-referred myself for therapy. A further five months on I was at the peak of depression and self-harming, calling Healthy Minds in desperation for a therapist because I knew I needed help. 

On the 20th November 2018, I met two incredible women who saw something in me that I could never see in myself; they saw a vision, they saw my capabilities and they set me up for my future within less than 24 hours. And within that, two days later I met my therapist for the first time. I sat down feeling as uncomfortable as you could possibly imagine, because I knew I had to wear my heart on my sleeve and basically tell him all every single shit thing in my life and how rubbish I felt. 

My depression and anxiety went in waves, some times it went down, sometimes it went up; I had a major drop and then the next week it was right back up again. But through all of this going on I worked full time as a teaching assistant, and I started my Masters degree in January 2019. However March took a huge hit and I was back where I was back in November; facing self harm and suicide thoughts and my therapist was concerned about my safety. 

Easter happened. I don't know what happened over Easter, it was a two week blur; but it made a change. Something changed. My mind felt open and it felt free, and I knew something had to change and something had to save me. So then it happened, I saved myself. Within two months I was discharged from therapy, I reached recovery and I was pretty much like a ship; untied and ready to set sail and build my life without a constant battle of self harming and feeling worthless. 

So, a year and 9 months later... I'm a primary school teacher, training and completing my QTS and PGCE full time while still completing my Masters Degree; and who knows, Kimberley Jessica could be coming back on the scene in all student life/mental health areas and all the bits in between my chaotic life. 

Even when you want to give up on yourself and you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, keep going. You will find it and you will reach it. 

I'll see you very soon!

Kimberley Jessica

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It's been just under a month since I last posted and a lot has happened in the past month; even though looking back at it, it doesn't look like a lot. Mentally, it has been. So much can change, and in such a short space of time. Sometimes it's beyond our power to stop things from changing, but then there's every tiny aspect of our life that we have the power to change; and when you sit back and look at it; that's a lot of time, and a lot of things that can make a huge impact. However, one thing I realised is you can't change the beginning; the start of it all, even if it's had a shitty outcome and made you feel things you never wanted to feel. 

In six days it has been the eighth year since I attempted suicide. And in five days, it has been a year since I referred myself for therapy. This time round I chose to change the ending, to seek help because I was frightened of where I would end up again and I didn't want to go back to where I was eight years ago. In just one day, I am being discharged from therapy and every nerve, bone or muscle in my body can say I am ready to be discharged and I am ready to move in into the next chapter of my life without fearing of where I'll end up. 

Yet it feels me with so many different emotions to say out loud; I wasn't sure what was going to happen exactly two months ago. I was at breaking point, on the verge of saying "I've finally had enough", but instead I looked in the other direction and I found the strength inside of me to pull myself out of it. I found the self belief that was screaming to get out and I changed my ending and I'm proud of where I've come. 

I may have scars and they may be visible but they remind me of the pain I went through and the strength and belief I have inside of me to pull through the hardest challenge anyone could possibly face on a daily basis. I'm not ashamed of my mental health and I'm most definitely not ashamed to talk about it.

Tomorrow will be the 193rd day since starting my intensive therapy and it will be the day I say goodbye to my therapist. He's helped me to find things out about myself that I could never face or admit to. He's helped me to reach a point of my life where I can face any negative situation and handle it in the correct way. I'm at a point in my life where I can say I can face life on my own, through the good and the bad and be able to conquer absolutely everything I have ever feared. I can believe in anything and achieve it, and even a few months ago; I had no belief in myself or what I am capable of. 

You can change your mindset; your outlook on life and you can change the way you behave towards any situation and the only way of succeeding is to start before you are ready. Even when you feel like you can't go on and when you feel like you're not ready, physically or mentally; that's the most crucial point to start. Start everything. Start talking, start doing things, start facing your fears and start doing the things you love to do. You can do this, and you can do anything you put your belief into. 

I'll see you soon

Kimberley Jessica

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I opened up my laptop this morning, with the thought "I think I'm finally ready", which has been an long and ridiculously tiring process to get to this point. - I have been fighting my mental illness for what feels like a really long time, but to be honest when you look at how long it has been; it has been a long time; One year and five months. One year and five months of feeling like something is pushing me into a dark hole and not letting me escape. One year and five months of feeling like I'm worth nothing; feeling like I'm not good enough; feeling like I can't go on and feeling like I can't do anything, or be anything. One year and five months, my mental illness battled me on a daily basis and on more than one occasion, I thought it had nearly defeated me. - But it didn't. I didn't let it defeat me.

Back in June 2018 I asked for help, I begged for someone to try and help me get past the place I was living in and to stop my mind from controlling me. But November 2018 soon came along and I was in my deepest and darkest place and the worry filled everyone. The worry of my mental illness defeating me at last. On the 22nd November 2018, I finally started to receive help. I admitted I couldn't go on like this alone and I met my therapist, while also being prescribed anti-depressants (again), which soon shot up in mg within 3 months. On the 22nd November, I met someone who was willing to hear and feel my pain; to find a way to pull me out of the dark hole I'd been living in for 11 months. 

I was brought into a new work place two days previously, a place which filled me with anxiety because I didn't want to go back to the place where I felt like the walls were caving in on me. While I had a rocky start, trying to fit into a new environment, being the "new person", and fighting to show what I am capable of (and to this day, still trying to do so). In this anxiety and worry, I found a place which accepted my mental illness and a place which was willing to support me through any pain and worry I felt. Not long after working in this new environment, people started to see what I could do, the different I could make and was making each day. It's taken me 6 months, but I can truly say I no longer can about what others think about me and whether they accept me or not; because I'm doing this for myself, and for the lives I was changing each day. 

I'm not sure what happened and I'll still continue to question how it happened, but during the Easter period; a switch flicked. My mind changed and whatever it was that was triggering the pain, anxiety and negative thoughts; was no longer impacting me in such a way that I couldn't manage the pain. I started to realise that every part of each day needs perspective - every situation needs to be looked at in more than one way to see how the situation can be dealt with, or to see how the situation is impacting someone or something. I realised I may not have the power to change a situation, but I have the power to decide how I view it. I stopped questioning "why me", every time something challenged me, and instead stated "try me" or "lets do this", because I wasn't afraid anymore. I've learnt that two people can look at the same thing and see something completely different, and I've learnt that it's okay to see life from a different perspective. 

A statement which truly shows the difference in perspectives is 

"You can lie down for people to walk over you, and they will still complain you're not flat enough."

And when I look at how far I have come, the pain I have been through and the battle I have fought to win, I realise if you change how you see and you begin to see how you change.

I fell apart, more than once. I was at breaking point four times, where people were worried about my safety. I battled with my own mind and people's shitty perspectives and opinions for one year and five months. But, through it all; I survived.

Kimberley Jessica

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Have you ever lived day by day with a smile on your face, making every one around you think that you're always happy? Probably, for some time or only a day. Maybe even every single day. It's exhausting. Mentally and physically draining. But for you, it's the norm. It's how you've lived your life for some time now. 

I've been hiding behind my smile for a few years now, if not more. Sometimes I may generally be happy, but deep down I'm not okay and that's something that is hard to admit out loud. Accepting you're not okay is when the therapy starts. It's how you begin to make progress and it's where you find yourself finding ways to climb out of the deep hole you've been living in for a while. 

Talking about how you're feeling is the next step to make, and it's hard. And when I say hard, I mean one of the hardest things you will ever do. You have to think more about the shit things, than you have ever thought before. You have to think as in-depth as you possibly can about the things that have broken you over time. And it's not easy. It's far from easy. It's digging into the shit that has made you feel this way, and over time it will continue to break you down until you've dug far enough to get out of the shit. But talking to people is the only way you can do this without completely breaking. I say this like it's just a simple thing to do, but for me, 5 months after starting therapy; I still find it a huge struggle to talk to the people who love me the most. I don't want to break them. 

I seem to think hiding behind a smile every minute of every day will help me; it will help me recover and be the person I once was (not that I think that's possible). But when you actually start thinking about it, hiding behind a smile is the worst thing you could do when you're suffering. Because whilst you're manipulating yourself and others to think that you're happy, you're not actually facing the negative thoughts the way that you should be. You need to feel awful, broken and like you can't cope but you need to let people in while you're feeling this way so they can keep you on two feet. 

The most important thing to remember is; you are not alone. Even when you feel like you are completely alone in all of this, you're not. And there is someone out there who will listen, or support you in what ever way is required. 

You do not have to go through this alone, nor do you have to go through this at all. 

I'll see you soon

Kimberley Jessica

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Once again I'm starting off fresh on a new week. It's Monday, half term is over and I am back to work and all things education. But that also means bringing things back into my life which have been neglected for a long time now. I've spent the past six weeks feeling pretty rotten. Unfortunately working in a school does mean picking up every single virus that is going around, and having a chronic illness makes that ten times harder, but six weeks on; and I finally feel like me again. 

Something I wanted to speak about here on Kimberley Jessica is having your life together in your 20s, or generally having your life together at any age. Sometimes we think we have our life together when we're a teenager, but let's be honest, no teenager ever does and not everyone does even when they are middle aged. Life just makes to make changes and challenges along the way to test us and the majority of the time, we question ourselves about whether we have our lives together and this is something I continuously question myself. 

Have I got my life together? Do I know where I'm going with life? What are my ambitions for the future? Am I working towards my goals? Am I there yet? How far away am I? and the list of questions goes on and on, and on. 

But sometimes, even when we have our life together, something happens and we start to question ourselves again. But we never seem to remember that achieving greatness comes from failing over and over again and learning from these failures. And how failure are not a bad thing; they help us to become the people we are or want/hope to be. Failing shouldn't be seen as such a negative aspect in life, yet it is. 

So have I got my life together? Right now, with my mental health I would generally say no. I feel like my mental health is failing, I'm failing my mental health and I'm pretty much a bundle of failures. But truthfully and deep down, I would say I have got my life together, in a weird and organised kind of way. I'd say it's pretty complicated too.

I know where I'm going with my life, I know what my ambitions are for the future, where I want to be when I'm 25 and where I want to be when I'm 30. I'm working towards my goals every single day, but no I'm not there yet but I know I will be; I have a date of when I will be and I am happy and content with that. In an organised and questionable kind of way I would say I have my life together but looking at my head space and what's going on right now, I would also say I don't. It's a questionable debate but I'm working towards it every day and I will continue to even with the challenges that face me. I'm proud of failing and I'm proud of what I learn from these failures. 

Embrace your failures, your insecurities and your strengths, because everything you do today is what brings you closer to your goals/dreams tomorrow.

I'll see you soon

Kimberley Jessica

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Something I have wanted to speak about for a while on here is having a life but being surrounded by negative and toxic people. It's a topic which I feel isn't spoken about enough, and I personally think people should be more open about their experiences of being surrounded by these relationships and how they can change you as a person; it can really help others.

Every year I tend to have a look back at the year which has just passed and I tend to reflect on how my relationships have been with people and whether they were healthy for me or not. From this, I can then reflect on whether these people should continue to be a part of my life, or whether I should move on with my life without them. 

At the end of 2018, I took a couple of weeks to think about this in-depth; reflecting on an extremely tough year and how I wanted to move forward into 2019 and who would come with me on this journey. I thought about old co-workers, friendships and even relationships with family members and how each individual has an impact on my life, both positively and negatively.

I want 2019 to be the year I find myself, and the magic and power which lays deep inside of me. And in this year, I refuse to let toxic people have an effect on my emotions, my mental health or even what I do with my life. 

Removing toxic people from your life feels like a heavy weight being lifted off your shoulders. Whether it's one person or even ten people; the feeling afterwards is indescribable. Looking back on 2018 and the end of the year, I removed nearly every friendship I had because it brought some sort of negativity or unhappiness to my life. Some people may think of that and feel anxiety and fear of the thought of being alone; but I personally would rather be alone with a select few people in my life so I can spend more time focusing on myself and learning to love myself. They say you can't love someone if you don't know how to love yourself, and I believe in this.

Unfortunately, toxic relationships are not always friendships and intimate relationships, sometimes and the majority of the time, family members also come into this category. I know of many people who would rather be surrounded by all of their family then be surrounded by a crowd of friends, and this is completely okay. But then there's the saying "you can't pick your family but you can pick your friends", referring to being able to pick and choose who you are friends with, but you have no choice but to get along with your family. But the thing is, you do not have to. You do not have to like people in your family, nor do you have to get along with them. You don't even have to talk to them if you don't want too, who gives a shit?! There's no law stating you have too. So why follow the saying even when people who you're related to are making you feel completely miserable? If someone brings unhappiness and negativity to your life, family member, friend or your loved one; remove them. Let them go and shut the door behind them. Because you will never be able to move on with your life and focus on yourself and your happiness while they are still lurking around, surrounding your life with darkness. 

Do not let toxic people bring you down, no matter who they are. You're worth more than that.

I'll see you soon

Kimberley Jessica

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So tonight's post isn't a planned one, it isn't something which I've been thinking about a lot lately or something which has been requested. This is me, real time, talking about real things and being as raw and real as I could possibly ever be; because let's be honest, life isn't perfect. It isn't a movie. It isn't straight forward and there are days when we all feel like this, but sometimes all we need is that realisation that we can do this and we are strong enough, even if right now; we feel like we aren't.

The thing about life is, shit does happen; it gets complicated, challenging and stressful. We need a break, time-outs and rest. We're going to be weak, but we're going to be strong too. We'll most likely lose our mind, yell at people to get out of our lives, but on the other hand we'll also be fighting for people to stay in our lives. Some days are harder than others. Some days we feel every emotional all at once and other days, we feel nothing, nothing at all. We may find ourselves in bad places, the places which we struggle to remove ourselves from, but other days we're going to be in amazing places; the places which we always want to stay in. There will be moments when we know what we want and we know where we're heading and then all of a sudden we have moment when we have absolutely no clue what we want or where we're going with our lives. I think people, including ourselves tend to forget that this is completely normal and it doesn't mean we're mental.

But then again if you're anything like me, then you're probably hard on yourself too. You forgive easily (or used too), but when it comes to your own mistakes, you can't forgive yourself. You're passionate, ambitious, determined and fighting for something you want. You've learned through all this shit that you seem tough on the outside to everyone else but inside, you're sensitive with a heart that's too big for you. You've realised it's okay to have little friends, because the friends you do have are family; and when it comes to men (or women), you want someone who will go as hard for you as you will go for them. If you're anything like me, going hard in life is what you do, and that is not a bad thing at all. But sometimes it's hard to always be like this; staying ambitious, passionate and determined. Although you have dreams, the challenges and suffering gets in the way of where you want to be and what your dreams are. But do not let toxic people make you bitter, letting their actions leaving you cold on the inside. Don't let someone else's actions make you unkind. Just because they're toxic doesn't mean you have to be too. It's okay to cry, to be sad, angry or empty. We're human, we break, we make mistakes, we feel pain, or we feel too much but we cannot let that pain ruin our dreams, our goals and our lives. Wake up and do what you think is right; do what is morally right. When these moments hit you, when you feel like giving up and you can't take it anymore, take a step back and breathe. Inhale, Exhale and start again. Refresh your mind; remember who you are and who you want to be. Because it's these moments that make you stronger. 

Find balance in your life. Know who you are, who you want to be and how you're going to get there. Know you are worth of reaching your dreams and that it is never too late to start creating the life you dream of having. Do not compare yourself to others. No one is the same. You are your very own person, you are beautiful, you are unique. Some things are meant to happen to show you the right way of life, but the hardest things happen to show you what you should not become, or what you should not do. If you are unhappy, let go of what is stealing your happiness; whether it's a friend, a family member, a job or even something completely different. Embrace letting go. Embrace the change. Embrace life the way you perceive it. Even if you cannot put your trust and belief in someone or something, please remember to put trust and belief in yourself; because in this world, only your opinion of yourself matters; only your dreams matter and only you can make changes to ensure that you are happy with the life you are designing for yourself.

I'll see you soon

Kimberley Jessica

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Back on the 1st January I spoke about my dreams and aspirations for 2019 and well, I can't exactly the year started off as great as I hoped it would. Life continues to throw obstacles and challenges right at me, expecting me to be able to continue to stumble through without my mental health being effected in anyway. Of course that's just not possible at the moment. 

Once again my mental health continues to be effected by many different things which try to break my wall down day by day. I started to believe things were getting better; life started to be okay again and I was able to get through each day without wanting to completely break down, but it was all just a cover; and things weren't what they seemed to be.

Every emotion I felt went to the back of my unconscious mind and I some how managed to block everything out, for a while at least. My mind made me believe I was no longer struggling and I was managing my depression and anxiety, but in fact I wasn't managing it at all, I was just ignoring what it was doing to me. 

Recently I started to realise I can't keep hiding away from my emotions and what they're really doing to me, I need to confront them face on and manage them in the best possible way I can. 

This post is a reminder to anyone who may be struggling with their mental health; you are stronger than you think and you can get through anything; if I can do it, you can do it too.

I'll see you soon

Kimberley Jessica

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It is officially the first day of 2019, and wow, did 2018 go quick or did 2018 go QUICK?! I'm so grateful to be stepping into 2019, a new year and a fresh start! 2018 was a year of many struggles and it was the toughest year of many tough years I've had, so to be able to go forward into a new year and not look back at the past year, I couldn't ask for anything more. 

Every single year I think of New Year's Resolutions but let's be honest, who actually sticks to these resolutions because I never have. Instead I like to think about goals, how I can reach these goals and what I'm going to do to get there which makes these "resolutions" possible. 

In 2018 I;

- Finished university.

- Left my job I'd been at for 5 years.

- Was promoted within my Summer/half term job to a manager.

- Graduated with a first class honours.

- Started my new job.

- Joined the gym, went everyday for two months straight and then quit six months later.

But;

- I realised I needed to seek help for mental health.

- I started seeking help for ME/Chronic Fatigue.

- I started Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.

- I didn't go ahead with my plans for teacher training in September 2019.

- My mental health has struggled severely throughout this year.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what my goals are for 2019 and what I really want to achieve and accomplish in 2019 and what I think I can properly achieve if I put my mind and belief into something. I do this by looking at what I'm starting or doing throughout the year and I what else I want to gain. 

In 2019;

- I am starting a masters degree in Early Childhood Studies.

- I am starting my final year of teacher training.

- I am working full time in a job I absolutely love.

- I am continuing my Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.

- I hope to finally have some answers about my ME/Chronic Fatigue.

- I am joining the gym again.

Although...

In 2019 my goals are;

- To start riding my bike on a regular basis.

- To think about training for the London Marathon 2020.

- To work on self care and loving myself.

- To use my blog and social media as an outlet again (2018 was definitely not my year).

- To read everyday. 

- To work on improving my mental health. 

- To stop caring so much/being so sensitive.

My goals are varied, although with what I have planned for 2019 I know if I put my mind to it I can achieve anything.

What are your goals for 2019? 

I wish you the happiest New Year.

I'll see you soon

Kimberley Jessica

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