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Good Afternoon!

I hope you're okay.

So I guess you could call this post a diary maybe? I'm not really sure what to call it. It's hard to admit it, but sometimes it's okay to say I'm so tired, and I'm so done. I'm tired of being tired and I'm tired of trying to be strong and pretending I'm okay when I really do not feel it. 

The hardest thing to come to terms with is how I have been in agony pretty much since the age of 6; knee pain, shoulder pain, back pain, more knee pain, depression, daily migraines, extreme fatigue, sciatica and carpel tunnel; when is it going to end? I'm so exhausted with being in pain every single day. I didn't sign up for this? 

Let's go back to last year, before January; I'm the girl who was unbreakable, the girl who got through everything and achieved everything she put belief into. This year that girl broke, not once, not twice but so many times, I've finally lost count. 

I don't know what's more difficult, dealing with my mental health, or dealing with poor physical health and not having the help that I need. I've been to and from the doctors so many times this past year and I'm still sat at home, feeling completely and utterly helpless, whilst I wait 4-6 months, if not more for help. For someone to find the time to help me. How is this okay? Why does no one care that I'm struggling, both physically and mentally? 

How do I find myself again? How do I build myself back up again when everything has broken me down to oblivious? 

Right now I'm torn between not having a job, wanting a job and feeling like I cannot have a job because of my health. I don't want to get myself into just any job and feel completely and utterly miserable, effecting my health even more. 

I guess you can say I'm struggling and it's completely terrifying feeling this way. 

So to whoever is reading this; I know you're tired, I know you're fed up and close to breaking or already broken like I am. But there is a piece of strength still inside you, and even when you feel weak, just keep fighting.

I'll see you soon

Kimberley Jessica

______________________________________

Fancy treating yourself over on Very Vez?

Use the code "kimberley10" at the checkout to redeem 20% off!

Want silky smooth legs?
Use the code "PC5XOK" at Friction Free Shaving to redeem 25% off!

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______________________________________

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For a while now I have wanted to bring knitting and crocheting to my blog however I never found the right time too, or I wanted to get better at this hobby before I uploaded it online. Now that I have finished my degree and my blog will be saying goodbye to anything student related for now (until my graduation), I finally decided that my blog would have a complete revamp and all things new and exciting in my life would come into it. 

I have been knitting for a couple of years now however I haven't knitted much; I'm a very slow knitter! The first thing I ever made was a pair of baby booties, and then I made a newborn baby cardigan. My mum soon started to show me how to crochet and this took me a while to understand how to do properly, as i struggled to hold the yarn properly and that's something I struggle with when knitting! I know I'll find a way that suits me though, eventually.

After my mum finding the Drops Design Blanket called A Patch of Comfort, I decided I wanted to make my very own patch blanket but without following a specific pattern like the one mentioned above. I had also found very similar blankets where there were specifically four or five patterns for a square and these were all repeated in various colours around 10-15 times each and I knew I'd eventually get bored. Although I absolutely loved the different shades of brown and this was an aspect of the blanket I was going to use for my very own.

After borrowing my mum's 400 knitting stitches book, before purchasing my own 750 knitting stitches book, I decided I would use five different shades of brown, around 4-8 balls of each and knit a different square for each colour. Instead of repeating squares for each colour, I thought I'd make this blanket unique and have every square a different pattern and that's when I thought someone else could create this blanket too; whether it's in different shades of brown, multi-coloured or even different shades of another colour.

I absolutely love anything knitted, and it's something which you can make personal, give as a gift or even keep to cover your bed or cosy up on the sofa with; it's so versatile and you can make it however big or small you want to, you just keep going! So I'll be sharing each square and the pattern for it once they're complete for anyone who loves the pattern or would like to create their very own patch blanket.

The square above is called the "Seer sucker" stitch. 

Consisting of a pattern repeat of 4+1 stitches, + 1 on each end.

Abbreviations: K1: knit one, P1: purl one.

Cast on 47 stitches on a 4mm needle.

1st and 5th Rows: K1 (edge), *K1, P1, K1 P1*, until the last 2, K1, K1.

2nd and even Rows: Work as it shows.

3rd: K1 (edge), *P1, K3* , until the last 2, P1, K1.

7th: K1 (edge), *K2, P1, K1*, until the last 2, K1, K1.

8th: work as shown.

In total, do 8 pattern repeats of this 8 row pattern, and then cast off!

If you do not know how to knit and want to learn; youtube have some incredible videos using step by step methods to show you how to cast on, knit, purl, etc!

I'll see you soon

Kimberley Jessica

______________________________________

Fancy treating yourself over on Very Vez?

Use the code "kimberley10" at the checkout to redeem 20% off!

Want silky smooth legs?
Use the code "PC5XOK" at Friction Free Shaving to redeem 25% off!

Coffee addict but want to lose weight?
Use the code "KIMBERLEY20" to get 20% off Skinnycoffeclub

______________________________________

Twitter; @kimberleyjessca

Instagram; @kimberleyjessca
Studygram: @kjstudies
Nailgram: @kimberleyjesscanails

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Bloglovin; Kimberley Jessica

Snapchat: @kimberleyjessca

So it has been a while, a long while and in a way it's been great but quite sad being away from my blog and not keeping up with everyone on social media. But now that everything has been and gone and I'm in a place in my life where I have absolutely no idea what's going on, I thought now would be the perfect opportunity to get back to my blog and do what I love. 

After saying for around 6-7 years that I would never have a coil fitted because I couldn't ever imagine taking my knickers and trousers off in front of a doctor and spreading my legs for them to get all close and personal with my lady bits, I ended up going through this whole experience yesterday and yes, I definitely spent a good few weeks absolutely dreading the day because I really did not want it done, but it was a must have job. 

So let's answer the question why first. Why did I need to drop my draws in front of a doctor? Well, what a long story that's going to be. But for the quick and easiness of this post; my body basically hated the pill. I have tried so many different pills since I was at school mainly due to heavy periods or painful periods and the first few pills I tried brought me out in such bad acne on my face or my shoulders, that I couldn't cope with being on them any longer. I ended up having to treat the acne and take the pill at the same time and it just wasn't going to work for a long period of time. I have then been on a variety of mini pills since because the female hormone not only causes acne but also causes headaches, a problem I have been battling with for a long time too. I finally found a mini pill which was great for me until a year later I was having a period every single week or every other week and I was too stressed and too in pain to deal with that too. Who wants a period every week? No one. I then went through another two pills until I ended up going back to the combined pill called Yasmin. I loved this pill more than anything, I had no spots, my periods were regular, they weren't painful and was in a happy place with my contraceptive pill, until my doctor turned around and said I was at risk of having a stroke; brilliant. Just want a wanted to hear. So the options then came; go back to the mini pill that made me bleed every single week, every single day or to try another method of contraception.

I'm going to put it straight out there, I automatically said no to the injection; so many more people put on weight with the injection and already having weight on my body due to the many different pills I've been on, I really did not want to put on anymore weight. So that was out of the question. My next option was the implant, however the idea of having an implant cut out of my arm leaving me with scars did not sound appealing. So here came the last option; the coil. Copper or hormonal, I needed to pick one.

After two months of going back to my old mini pill which caused so much pain and agro, I decided to book myself in to have my coil fitted on the 06th September. Up until yesterday I had absolutely no idea which coil I was having as there were two hormonal types on the market now. The Kyleena; the coil with less hormones and great for those who haven't had a child as it was smaller, also great for people who struggle with contraception due to the hormones in them. Or the Mirena; the coil with more hormones, it was bigger and mainly for women who have already had children and it's also more likely to stop periods. Sounds great to me either way! I went into the room and spoke to my doctor about the coils and my options and whether or not I've recently had a period etc etc.. the general procedure when you're about to have a coil fitted. I expressed how I didn't mind which coil I had fitted as regardless they both had less hormones than the pill so it wouldn't effect my mental state in any way more than what the pill may have done (that's if it did). So the decision was depending on my cervix and whether my body would let the Mirena be fitted or not. I cannot express how grateful I was for Mother Nature this month as I had absolutely no idea when I was going to bleed and when I weren't due to the pill change; but for once it did it's job for the best.

After signing a form of consent, I was sent over to the bed to undress myself from the waist downwards and to lay at the end of the bed with a piece of paper towel covering my lady area. At this point, the nurse and my doctor knew how nervous I was about having this done and they were doing everything they could to make me feel comfortable which involved a conversation about my many piercings. I was then asked to place my feet together at the end of the bed and to spread my legs as far as I could. You can just imagine how awful this sounds and looked and how wobbly my legs were because I was absolutely dreading the whole thing. 

The placement of the coil started with my doctor feeling me internally and on my stomach to see what direction my cervix was; the weirdest and very uncomfortable feeling I have to say; she definitely was not gentle. She then used a metal tool which opened my vagina up which made it easier to see where to insert the tool which places the coil. Apparently this bit is uncomfortable, painful and cold but I hardly felt a thing and I didn't mind that! After inserting antiseptic gel, we carried on our conversation whilst waiting for that to do it's magic and thank christ, I was able to lay my legs down before they fell off! Around a minute later, I was asked to raise my legs again and I'd say a minute after that I was then in the most uncomfortable pain I have ever felt. My doctor passed a small, thin tube through into my uterus and all I can say about this experience is to breathe like you're having a child. It was uncomfortable like severe period pain, because you could feel this long piece of plastic go up to the top of where your underwear would be and the only way I can describe it is uncomfortable and painful like bad cramping. That was stage two. Afterwards she then inserted the Mirena coil and removed the plastic tube. All that was left to do was cut the plastic threads which help to remove the coil in 5 years time, and then remove the metal tool and it was over.

The whole process of having a Mirena coil didn't take long at all, I would say 5-10 minutes. But for someone who really struggles with period pain, having extremely bad cramping, and then experiencing the cramping until the next day; I'll one day say it was worth it but for right now, I'm still in pain and I didn't enjoy having a tube going through my vagina into my uterus because it was ridiculously uncomfortable. 

If you struggle with the pill and you need to look at trying something different but you're unsure about the coil.. It is definitely worth having the think over it. It took me a good five years to finally decided to have the coil fitted. For the pain that I was in yesterday and the pain that I was in today.. I think I will eventually say it was worth it because I'm now fully protected for five years. But you definitely need to breathe through the whole thing and maybe have a drink before going in just to take the edge of the pain! I contemplated having a piercing done beforehand so the pain weren't as bad. But, if you can deal with painful period cramps then the coil won't be an issue for you!

I'll see you soon

Kimberley Jessica

______________________________________

Fancy treating yourself over on Very Vez?

Use the code "kimberley10" at the checkout to redeem 20% off!

Want silky smooth legs?
Use the code "PC5XOK" at Friction Free Shaving to redeem 25% off!

Coffee addict but want to lose weight?
Use the code "KIMBERLEY20" to get 20% off Skinnycoffeclub

______________________________________

Twitter; @kimberleyjessca

Instagram; @kimberleyjessca
Studygram: @kjstudies
Nailgram: @kimberleyjesscanails

Facebook; Kimberleyjessicablog
Pinterest: @kimberleyjessca

Bloglovin; Kimberley Jessica

Snapchat: @kimberleyjessca