Kimberley Jessica: October 2020

The First Half Term...

Saturday, October 24, 2020

The end of the first half term has finally arrived & on many, many occasions I honestly never thought I'd make it to the end.

This half term has been the hardest on many different levels. From my back screwing up even more, to my mental health practically being on a rocking chair on the edge of a cliff & then there's the whole route of children not being in school since March and the struggles that has brought. 

This half term I have learnt so much and everything I have either done, or not done I've reflected on.

-I've learnt that at the end of the day, children's test scores are invalid. It does not matter. What matters is their progress that they make. Whether that's simply finally understanding the concept of place value, or being able to write a sentence with finger spaces. It's progress and they've learnt something and are now able to do something which they couldn't previously do. 

-I've learnt that it's completely and utterly okay that my class are behind. It's okay that they're no where near where they are supposed to be. That is not a reflection of myself or my teaching. What matters is where I take them now, and the impact I have on them for the next year. - If they've made no progress from now till July, then I'll have something to worry about (but we know that's not going to happen, because they're already making progress).

-I've learnt that it's okay to break. It's okay to feel like you're not in control. But the only way I can take back my control is by understanding how I am feeling, understanding what has made me feel that way and either accepting it, dealing with it or communicating with someone about it until I'm okay again.

-I've learnt that it's okay to need someone to lean on. It's okay to have a wobbly and not know how to get out of it on my own, and know that I will always have someone or some people to talk to, to help me get out of the hole I'm falling into. It doesn't make me weak, or a failure for simply letting someone help me. 

-I've learnt that people will notice your change in attitude or behaviour, but won't notice their behaviour that made you change. I can't change someone who can't see the issues in their actions. 

-I've learnt that at any point in my life, I will come across a narcissist, whether that's someone in my family, a 'friend' or someone I work with, and with these people, you have absolutely no help in doing 'the right thing' because whatever you do, it is never going to be good enough for them and you'll always be doing a shit job, or you'll be 'not supporting them', despite doing everything you possibly can.  - With these people, I've learnt that you just need to shut them out and know that it's not your fault, and you did the best you could. 
-I've learnt that even when I feel like I'm failing and can't do it anymore, my partner teacher is feeling the exact same way - so it's not us, it's just the children 

-I've learnt that I have an incredible support system around me, and even when I'm struggling to see my worth, they're behind me telling me how amazing I'm doing and that soon, I'll begin to see that too. - You guys are incredible 

-I've learnt that parents can be pains, they'll either be on your side, or they will be against you, but that's okay - You do the best you can to support their child, and when they question you, just show them the evidence of what you're doing and they'll have nothing else to say because actually, you're being one damn incredible human being and their opinion is irrelevant and invalid. 

-Lastly, I've learnt that I can do this. Whether I'm feeling like crap, feeling like I can't go on. Feeling like I'm failing the staff around me, the children and even myself - it's absolutely bullshit and my mind is just a dick sometimes and likes to make me push myself to prove that actually, I am okay; I can do this and nothing is going to make me quit. 

So here's to the shittiest half term I've ever seen, you may have made me wobble, you may have made me struggle pretty much everyday, you may have given me anxiety attacks & made me feel like I can't do life anymore. But this girl isn't quitting and I am doing a damn good job. 