Have you ever lived day by day with a smile on your face, making every one around you think that you're always happy? Probably, for some time or only a day. Maybe even every single day. It's exhausting. Mentally and physically draining. But for you, it's the norm. It's how you've lived your life for some time now. 

I've been hiding behind my smile for a few years now, if not more. Sometimes I may generally be happy, but deep down I'm not okay and that's something that is hard to admit out loud. Accepting you're not okay is when the therapy starts. It's how you begin to make progress and it's where you find yourself finding ways to climb out of the deep hole you've been living in for a while. 

Talking about how you're feeling is the next step to make, and it's hard. And when I say hard, I mean one of the hardest things you will ever do. You have to think more about the shit things, than you have ever thought before. You have to think as in-depth as you possibly can about the things that have broken you over time. And it's not easy. It's far from easy. It's digging into the shit that has made you feel this way, and over time it will continue to break you down until you've dug far enough to get out of the shit. But talking to people is the only way you can do this without completely breaking. I say this like it's just a simple thing to do, but for me, 5 months after starting therapy; I still find it a huge struggle to talk to the people who love me the most. I don't want to break them. 

I seem to think hiding behind a smile every minute of every day will help me; it will help me recover and be the person I once was (not that I think that's possible). But when you actually start thinking about it, hiding behind a smile is the worst thing you could do when you're suffering. Because whilst you're manipulating yourself and others to think that you're happy, you're not actually facing the negative thoughts the way that you should be. You need to feel awful, broken and like you can't cope but you need to let people in while you're feeling this way so they can keep you on two feet. 

The most important thing to remember is; you are not alone. Even when you feel like you are completely alone in all of this, you're not. And there is someone out there who will listen, or support you in what ever way is required. 

You do not have to go through this alone, nor do you have to go through this at all. 

I'll see you soon

Kimberley Jessica

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