Hey! It's been a while. I hope you're okay.

And if you're not feeling okay right now, I promise you, you will soon. 

There's no doubt about it, this year has been a pretty shit year. Not just for me, not just for you - for everyone. Some people have had it a lot harder than others, but there isn't a single person on this planet that hasn't struggled at least once this year, and that's okay. It's okay to struggle, it's okay not to feel okay - we're human after all, we can't always be okay. Sometimes things go tits up, or something happens unexpectedly that we wasn't prepared for and that can leave us with a whole load of overwhelming emotions that we don't know how to handle - that's okay. We cannot beat ourselves up for not feeling okay and for maybe sometimes feeling like a burden. I know I'm one of those people that bottles things up and doesn't tell anyone how I'm feeling because I feel like I'm constantly not okay - I feel like a burden, constantly having to explain why I'm once again not feeling 100% right. 

I hate to say the majority of my life has been pretty shit, and 'not okay', but the positives definitely, without a doubt, overweight the negatives and that's something I tend to forget - I think most of us do. 

The past 2 years however have been challenging, physically and mentally. I've struggled more than I've ever struggled before and I've used self-harm to cope with the overwhelming emotions and thoughts going on in my little mind - not the best way to deal with things, but it's helped me to stay alive after all, so I wouldn't say it's something I'm ashamed of.

2 years ago I contemplated my whole life, my future life - dropping everything I achieved so far and changing route. I fell out of love for teaching, for supporting children because my mental health took a massive hit and I was knocked down, again and again and again until there was nothing left. 5 months after this contemplation I took my first step into a new school, a new environment and a new area and my passion for teaching and supporting children came back - but my mental health didn't improve, and that's okay. I started my Masters degree 2 months afterwards as I needed something to keep my mind busy - I needed a distraction whilst I was at home. So for the past year and a half, I've been busy, with a mindset of heading forward with a career path in plan. My mental health improved with the help from therapy and then my physical health declined not long afterwards - leaving me in agony for 8 months, unable to do so much which resulted in another hit to my mental health. 

This year has been a non-stop battle. Battling with my mental health, battling with my restrictive physical health - recovering from an operation to improve my physical health - being off work - going through a break up - trying to get through teacher training during a pandemic - learning how to adapt and take things slowly whilst I recover - getting frustrated with myself because I can no longer do half of the things I used to be able to do due to lack of strength - being in a car accident and suffering with pain again - being diagnosed with a chronic illness - no routine. 

Let's just say through all of this, I haven't felt okay. I haven't felt myself. I haven't wanted to burden anyone. I've just tried to re-assure myself that I will be okay and that everything will be okay and it's not permanent. 

I will be okay. I know will be. 

2 years after contemplating my future life and career, I'm back to contemplating again but in a positive way. I'm looking forward at how I can progress and improve my knowledge and awareness in something I'm interested in - something I've thought about since school. Part of me feels like I'm taking a step backwards.. But like someone wise once said, one step back to make two steps forward. 

If you're not feeling okay at the moment and haven't felt okay for a while now, it's okay. Time has a way of working things out and despite it feeling like things aren't ever going to work out, they always do, even if it's not as quick as you'd like it too. 

And something I've learnt this year, or shall I say something I'm trying to learn and adapt to, is not stressing over the things I cannot change. If it's something out of my control, it's not worth the upset and stress.