Emptiness
Sunday, November 25, 2018
Good Morning,
I hope you are okay.
Yet again it's been a while, and as usual life has been doing it's thing and messing around with my thoughts and mind, making daily life a little bit difficult. Each month I take a look back and think about what month has been the toughest for me and I have to say, the end of October, beginning of November has to be the toughest couple of weeks I have been through in lets say a few years.
Trying to describe how I'm feeling to people is also another challenge to face. How can I describe to someone how I'm feeling when I have no idea how I'm feeling myself? I don't know why I feel empty, or sad and I don't know why I feel like sitting in the corner of my bedroom or laying in my bed, with no TV on or with my phone next to me, but not actually using it; usually with the lights off too. All I can explain is how it feels like sitting in a room full of darkness, and that's how I feel on the inside and outside. There's no other words to describe it.
My mental health is something I'm quite open about, I'm happy to share my past with people and I personally think sharing my battles is a way of maybe helping someone else out there. I know past me wishes there was someone who could have helped me, and even to this day I still wish there was that someone there that could say "I've been through what you're going through so many times, and I can tell you you'll get through it this time too"; or something like that, but instead that's just something I have to remind myself on a daily basis.
Emptiness is a difficult one, because even the things you love doing; you don't want to do. I have a bookcase (or three) over flowing with books, and I don't want to read any of them. I have a blog which I love, but I very rarely want to sit down and take the time to write a post. There's social media, dog walks, crocheting, knitting and baking and I find myself still laying in bed, gazing into space not really thinking of anything and for me that's the hardest thing about depression. It changes you as a person and it changes the way you look at the things you love.
Every day I question when the emptiness feeling is going to end, or when I'll go back to doing the things I love, and every day answering the question doesn't get any easier. I went through a stage like this back in February, only lasting around a month, again in June, lasting a couple of weeks, but starting in September, we're nearly in the fourth month of this feeling and it's continuing to change me as a person. I feel like the old me, is someone I used to be, and I'll no longer be that person, or ever go back to that person; and as the months go on I'll change and adapt and become someone new, but I'm scared of who that person might be, or the changes that might come with the new me.
How do you cope with emptiness? Or losing the person you once was?
I'll see you soon
Kimberley Jessica
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Twitter; @kimberleyjessca
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1 comments
It's very hard to give advice as i know when it comes to mindset/depression things can be easier said than done and my heart breaks for you when you are going through these bouts of emptiness. All i can say is that it takes a lot of hard work and its tough, but i truly believe you can get through it or learn how to navigate it. I'm not saying just think happy and you will be happy, but when going through my own struggles over the past few months i realized i couldn't do it on my own and i certainly couldn't do it with just the voices in my head. I found Jay Shetty on social media and started watching his videos and reading his quotes. I also turned to Russell Brand and i think he is incredible. Even on days when i didn't want to get out of bed, i would just press play on a video and listen to them speak. The way they talk about the mind is fascinating and i truly hope it might be able to help you too. If you can and feel up to it, follow Russell Brand on Social media and watch his videos, he talks about anxiety and feelings and our brains and purpose and i think you might like it! :) I've realized the importance of resetting everyday. It's not a case of oh you will never have a negative thought, but it's learning what to do when you have them! <3
ReplyDeleteLucy xx
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