Why is it, when you feel like complete and utter crap you feel the need and the want to write. To write about what's going on, to let it all out. To let loose of all the crap that is feeding into your mind and taking control of how you are feeling? I remember why I started my blog up in 2016. To do exactly that. 

Today it is Wednesday 1st January 2020. Two thousand and twenty. How? How is it 2020 already? And how has 2019 already been and gone? 

So lets start from the very beginning shall we? The beginning of what was a fairly shitty yet great year. 

January 2019 - still deep into depression, just over a month into intensive therapy and my new job. But a part of me wanted to carry on my education and for that reason I began a Masters in Early Childhood Education. Pretty much a way to take my mind off all the shitty things going on in my head. Everything was very much a blur up until the Easter break, when I wanted to take a two week break off work but I also had an assignment due that week - absolutely brilliant. In between therapy sessions, work, university and daily anti-depressants, I was basically just living day by day, trying to get through. Alongside attending interviews for what would be the beginning of my long life career, absolutely stressing over how shit I was going to be and how much I weren't going to get it. How wrong I was there. Four days later and I'm prepping for professional skills tests and planning my future classroom and how incredible I wanted it to look. I was going to be a teacher. 

April/May time came around and I realised I was in the way of what everything needed to be and what everything was meant to become. I was in control and I was the only person to change what needed to be changed. I had to save myself, because I was the only person who could. No bullshit romantic film sort of scenario, or Disney princess happily ever after. I was the prince, or the sister, or the knight in shining armour. I just had to flick the switch and make it all happen.

May was a pretty incredible month to be honest. Despite helping my class sit their SATs and filling them with confidence and self-belief because they can achieve anything if they believe that they can. I went in a hot air balloon (that's one thing ticked off my bucket list), and how incredible that truly was. And I finished May in Cheddar Gorge, embracing the beautiful countryside, caves and tallest cliffs that took the most amount of effort to climb up. Finishing my holiday on an exciting trip to Longleat safari, another zoo ticked off my list. 

I began June, and the last half term of school by being discharged from therapy. I made it to recovery, I no longer needed a man to sob my heart out too on a weekly basis and I was ready to start my life again. And that was the scariest part of it all. I had to really face life and what I was building all of this up to. It was all speed ahead for passing my final skills test, the last barrier which was stopping me from being a teacher, and mid June, I actually did it. How the heck did I do it? Here's a note: If you absolutely dreaded your theory test to get your driving license, or even the driving test for that matter, the professional skills test to become a teacher are 10 times worse than any of that. But all you can do is believe in yourself. I ended another incredible month with a trip to the Harry Potter Studio Tours - no matter how many times you go, it gets better and better each time around. 

July 2019 was hard. I knew I'd have to leave my class, and as much as I wanted them in September; I knew they needed to learn and grow with someone else and that was hard to let go of. They helped me grow into the teacher I am today. They showed me why I ever wanted to become a teacher and they brought that passion back when I lost it back in June 2018. 

And to add to the incredible experiences of 2019 - I met elephants. IN-CRED-IBLE! An absolute dream come true, along with tiger cubs, a 4 year old tiger and a 2 year old lioness. I stepped outside of my comfort zone and did things I never thought I could ever do. 

September 2019 was where my life really began. I had my own class, I was starting my teaching career; my life long profession. I finally stopped taking my anti-depressants and I was ready to become the woman I knew I needed to become. And here we are. 2019 has ended, the 365 pages are up. It's been 12 chapters of ups and downs; some incredible moments, and some obstacles that completely broke me down. 

I have absolutely no idea where 2020 is going to take me. I have no idea what's going to happen, what I have planned or where I'm going to be this time next year. But all I know is I want to explore, I want to do things I have never done before. I want to embrace every adventure, every opportunity and believe in myself even when there's that little piece of self-doubt that tells me that I can't. 2020 will be the year of the unknown, the unexpected and the absolutely unbelievable memories. 

Happy New Year <3

I'll see you soon

Kimberley Jessica

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