Good Morning!
I hope you are having a lovely day!

I feel like today's post doesn't need a feature image and instead I am going to just speak to you as if you're my best friend, my mum or even my boyfriend. I'm going to tell you what's going on in my mind and I'm going to tell you about what I've been through just to let it all out. Do you ever feel like you're holding the world on your shoulders and you have no idea how to get it off? This is an experience I haven't shared with many as it's personal, and a part of my life which definitely broke me. It's a sensitive topic, it's a topic which makes me emotional and it's a topic which many people do not understand which is why I do not share it. But what if my experience may help others who might also be in the same position? What if by speaking out, I might encourage someone else to speak out, even if it's to me alone, and not to anyone else? I want to help someone, even if it's by the slightest bit.

So where do I start? Oh where do i start?

I guess I should start from the beginning. Back when I was in school everything was okay to begin with, we were all the in the same position, going to a new school with new people while not knowing anyone. So at this point, everyone in my form was friends with each other. We were a form of around 20 people, a circle of around 20 friends and it was lovely; to begin with.

As the year went on, it was nearly the end of the academic year and my best friend and some other girls became friends with a girl in the year above us, a girl who I went to primary school with who actually used to be my friend. This was all okay until they started to turn against me. I'm not sure why they turned against me, at this time I was young and I didn't have a clue. The girl in the year above me threatened to burn my house down with my family in it and she'd send threatening text messages and facebook messages. I remember we told the person in charge of "bullying" and the local police lady came in and sat us all in a circle to sort out the problems. At this point, the girls admitted they were jealous. But jealous of what? But although they admitted why they were being such cows, nothing changed.

I found a new friendship group as I went into each year of secondary school, and then it came to March 2011; I was in year 9 and I finally changed school. I had enough of being bullied and I needed to escape but the weirdest part about all of it; on my last day, everyone was so nice to me. I went to my new school the following week and because of a silly mistake I had crowds of people coming up to me and shouting abuse at me. I left at the end of the day in tears and never went back. The next day week I went back to my old school and the bullying continued, the people who were nice to me on my last day were no longer nice and I found it difficult to cope with. During this time I was also dealing with abuse over the Internet. As I grew up I always found speaking to people over the Internet was a way of escaping the people from my real life and I definitely found some friends throughout my teenage years, and then as usual these people turned against me and found something to hate me for.

Three days after my 14th Birthday, 8th June 2011 I attempted suicide by overdosing on paracetamol. Paracetamol which was prescribed to me by my doctors for period pains and headaches. I clearly remember it was the evening and my mum had made lasagna for dinner and I kept saying to her "I don't feel well, I can't eat it" and she didn't believe me. I was trying to be sick but nothing was coming and she thought I was pretending. It was at this point I knew I had to tell her about what I had done and I said to her "please don't tell dad, he'll shout at me" but she had no choice. They called A&E and automatically took me there, they were expecting me. The first night in hospital isn't clear, I know I slept a lot and I was being sick and it was just yellow and gross (sorry for the TMI). I remember lots of needles and a lot of dizziness too but the rest is just a blur for the first evening. I can't remember how long I was in hospital for but I had my sister and my mum by my side. I remember they asked me if I needed a psychiatrist and I refused, I knew I was fine.

I returned to school and the bullying was a lot worse, I had groups of girls shouting abuse during class and the teachers never realised. I was then in a horrible relationship for the last two years of school where my boyfriend cheated on me way too many times and he also suffered from depression. I hated going into school and I spent most of my time at home to be honest, but luckily enough my parents were okay with this. In the past two years of school, being in a horrible relationship with someone I loved, and having groups of girls bullying me I started to self harm. I'd self harm in places where no one could see as a way to let out the pain that I was feeling inside. Luckily enough I realised I needed to stop as I didn't want my family finding out and I found it quite easy to do this.

When I left school and left my disgusting boyfriend, I was so much happier. College was a fresh start for me, a time to meet new people and be in a happy place which I've never been in before. My first year of college was incredible! Obviously there will be the people which you do not get along with, these people are absolutely everywhere; that's part of life. But once again, everything turned at the end of my first year of college because I went to college, did my work and went home within an hour and they didn't like this.

During October 2014, I met my boyfriend, the man I'm with today and he got me through my second year of college. He helped me to ignore everything that was going on around me and he made me happier regardless of everything that was making me feel depressed inside. I went through the same situation in college as I went through in school and is was horrible. I felt like my past was repeating on me and I didn't want to live but I needed to for my boyfriend, I needed to feel okay.

I feel better now than what I have ever felt in my life. I am happy and I feel like I have a purpose in life. I have days where I'm down and where my depression kicks in, as well as the anxiety which has formed due to my past. But if I get knocked down, I get back up again, but even stronger. I found my past has made me who I am today. If I didn't go through what I did with my ex boyfriend, would I have met my current boyfriend? If I weren't bullied, would I be as strong as I am now? Or would I be on the career path I'm heading too? I have no regrets and although I went through a lot of pain, I have learnt a lot in the process!

So even if you are in a difficult place, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. And don't worry, no matter where you are in life there will always be people you do not like, and there will be people who don't like you, so do not worry! You weren't born to please everyone.